So There I was: The Long Road to Texas. by Tony Cullen

The Choice

So there I was, in the office of my two bosses with a circa 1980’s G.I. desk standing between us. The desk was hardly noticeable, covered and sagging under the weight of 3 decades worth of paperwork growing infinitesimally taller with each passing day. The office cluttered with work undone and documents that never pretended to have value. It was here that I was to make my stand and tell them I would be resigning this summer.

That is where the roots of my summer took hold. It was March and I just got back from visiting another potential graduate school. This time it was Texas Tech University located in hot, dry, and dusty Lubbock, TX (admittedly not my first choice for places to move or universities to attend). I can still recall a parting conversation I had with an intern years ago that haunts me now. “Well if you are ever in Texas let me know,” she cheerfully stated. My cynical response “I can’t foresee that happening but if I do I will let you know.” Hindsight being what it is I can only chuckle now. Little did I know that I would find my advisor and lab mates to be pretty cool people and if I had to be stuck in Texas getting my masters, these are the people that will make it enjoyable.

After a short, fruitful trip to Lubbock the choice was clear to leave my job with the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to pursue a master of science in biology. I was excited at the prospect of learning the ecology of plants (my first love) in the southwest and with those plants come fire ecology (my second love).

Time to Talk

In New Jersey, the refuge manager is a pleasant, bumbling man with the mind of a packrat. He holds on to memories just as tight as the paperwork pile in his office (as his long-winded stories and sentimentally decorated walls would imply). He collects his employees just the same. Dainty little items kept within his reach for his disposal. He hates to lose employees regardless of the circumstance. In contrast, the second in command at the park, who is my direct supervisor, is shrewd, sneaky and calculating. He speaks in a condescending manner. He is the type of person you do not confide in. It seems he is always trying to mine you for private information about colleagues or constantly checking the status of assigned duties. He does not trust his employees as much as they do not trust him. How could I tell them I was leaving??

Well, it was actually a very easy decision. My bosses are textbook micromanagers, which,  most of the time, makes my job very tedious. In addition, I had been there for over 10 years and felt stagnant; there seemed no new opportunities to grow. The hard part was leaving a good paying job with health and retirement benefits as well as the security of having a steady job in a terrible market for employment opportunities. Not to mention the uncertainty of returning to school and the changes it would present.

“Well guys,” I paused to take a breath as the tension in the room grew “I decided that I am going to Texas Tech for graduate school”. In what would otherwise be a joyous occasion I felt reluctance on their part as they both moved forward to congratulate me. Well perhaps my friends and family will have a different reaction….

No, it was much of the same. This superficial happiness but this underlying stress. I felt lost. Fortunately for me I have a very supportive wife and two great kids that make me smile daily. So what’s the problem? I had to leave them behind for a year in order to make things work. That was the hardest decision for me.

The Parting

At this point you may be wondering why in the world would I have to leave my family behind. They surely could come with, yes? Well this is where being an adult has its disadvantages, making adult decisions. The long and short of it is my wife is a teacher and has all of her time invested in NJ. What this meant for us is she had 9 years into a pension system that requires 10 years in order for her to collect it when she retires.

The choice was obvious, however emotionally painful. We are pragmatic and knew what would be best in the long run. The plan was for me to move down to Texas at the end of August. The family would come down to join me once her school year was up. Pragmatism aside, our fear and anticipation of the end of summer were palpable. Nothing could stop the stream of tears that day as we said our goodbyes; the kids to young to fully grasp what was going on. It would be a daily effort in mindfulness not to feel sad realizing I wasn’t apart of my family’s daily life.

The summer itself was a blur of packing, organizing, saying farewells and parties to celebrate friendships. This summer was typified by extremes, busy and sad, unproductive and happy. As I sit here now and finish this narrative I think how fortunate I am to have a few supportive people in my life in a sea of doubt. They’re the ones who could see through the difficulties of this situation and remind me it’s not the end of the world. I am also thankful for the invention of skype and airplanes, which allow me to journey home with ease, if only for a little while.