It is 2:45am on August 14, 2010. Six months, 2 days and about nine hours since Jane called me on February 11th to tell me we lost Kellen to an avalanche in Colorado. A few hours ago I got home from a five day trip that started with rock climbing in North Conway New Hampshire with Jane and Mike Deluca and finished with a three day Board of Directors retreat with Mountain Spirit Institute in Southern NH. I now stare at the computer screen during the early morning hours because the memory of Kellen won't let me sleep. I miss him more than anything I have ever missed in my life. I collapsed onto the couch about an hour ago in uncontrollable sobs, while visions of all the things he and I will never do ran through my head. This is why I made this blog. I made it because my life will forever be divided into two parts: the part with Kellen and the part without. I see this blog as a therapeutic tool to help me move into the second part of my life -and hopefully you too. But primarily I see this acting as a resource to keep our friendships strong and connected. But more on that in a bit. First I need to get this off my chest:
The past six months have taught me a lot.
It has shown me that I am not as prepared for moving on past a death as I thought I was. I thought I could accept the fact that Kellen "died doing what he loved" therefore it is okay and I should move on because "he would want me too." But that all sort of sounds contrived to me now. Those concepts do not get me past that fact that he is gone - forever. And forever feels a lot longer than it ever has before. And time is not healing this. I really think I have gotten worse in the last six months. I believe this is because as time goes by I am reminded of how much time will keep going by, without him. This hurts most.
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February 11th taught me that nothing is guaranteed, Kellen and I talked years ago about "growing old together" and that stayed with me as we both lived lives separated from each other. In the back of my head, no matter where my life led - up or down - I always knew I would one day live near Kellen and spend our days seeking out epic adventures in the mountains and everything would be the way it should be. Kellen was my light at the end of the tunnel. And knowing we would grow old together made me calm, excited and relaxed all at the same time. But now my life is a long dark tunnel with no light to keep walking towards, no epic journeys at the end calling my name. In a way my life now seems less focused (if that is even possible). However, in this new stage of life (without Kellen) I have a new approach: I want to live life the way he lived - intentional, deliberate, passionate and wide eyed. I want to make less excuses and justifications for not doing things I want or should be doing. I want to move bravely forward and teach the people I meet what it is to really enjoy life because one never know when it might be over, or turned over.
A lesson I am having a hard time accepting is the fact that death is not fair. Almost everyday I get angry at the fact that it was Kellen. I often ask: Why Kellen? He was the best. Best guide, best teacher, best instructor, best facilitator but most painfully he was my best friend. I say that cautiously because I consider many of you my best friend, and I love you more than family. But when I boil it all down it was Kellen that I was to grow old with. And that infuriates me. He was the hub of all of our friendships, and death just ripped him out without any consideration for the rest of the wheel. This makes me angry. It all seems so unfair, and I have nothing to direct my anger towards, so I cry, then pound on the steering wheel while driving down Rt. 91 in Vermont. And sometimes that is what I need. Because I had no say in this.
However, "what would Kellen do?" What I am really taking away from this is my connection with you, my friends. Loosing Kellen has shown me that time is not endless and friends cannot be taken for granted. My life after Kellen now has an increased focus on quality time with good friends. I can't say it better than Bruce:
"Kellen - I am tired. I have not been home on a weekend since June and it’s your fault. When it’s all said and done in this crazy world the only thing we have left are the times we spent with our friends in the mountains, rivers, and oceans. You are my reminder every day, and the reason my lawn never gets mowed."
Without friends, we have nothing. We may be scattered around the country but what links us together are our experiences. Our hub might have been ripped out but the wheel is still there, still spinning. I encourage, no, I beg you to share your experiences, your life, your thoughts, your memories and your emotions on this blog.
Let this be whatever you need it to be. Talk about whatever you need to talk about. But please, when you get back from an adventure, share it with everyone else. I believe this will keep us connected, keep us young, keep us living and keep Kellen alive.
To keep track of this blog click on the "Follow" link on the right side of the page. And, if you want to add a blog post about anything please type it in Word and email it to me as and attachment to knowtheearth@gmail.com. I will put it up as soon as I check my mail.
I thank each one of you for being a true friend.
See you in the future,
Craig
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